Big, Fat Failure.

Don’t you just love Spring??? It’s such a renewal. I am convincing myself that this time of renewal completely negates the fact that I failed miserably at my new year’s resolutions and can hit the ground running again. I have thus far ended up with a LARGER muffin top and I have purchased ALL THE DUNKIN. It’s a sickness. 

Most days I feel like the “Time to make the donuts” guy from the early Dunkin commercials, only it’s just me and it’s “time to give Dunkin all my $$$” first thing in the morning. Then again at 3 ish when I get my iced coffee at the drive through, and then again in the evening when I have my decaf iced coffee with chocolate milk after I work out. If I ever had the shakes and showed up at my dealer’s place looking for a fix, the’d be wearing an orange and purple uniform.

I also only had a .5lb weight-loss this week. I know that it’s a respectable number, but when you are used to being better at losing weight, it feels like a failure. Hell, just the fact that I let myself tick up on the scale feels like a failure. I know myself well enough to know that I can’t simply give up sweets entirely or I will binge. I know that I cannot give up carbs entirely or my body won’t function. I need to focus on the things I know I CAN give up. Beer. (insert Homer Simpson whine) Wine. My kid’s leftovers. Nibbles while I’m cooking, an extra taste here and there.

I need to focus on how I don’t need to EAT everything I make for the blog, I just need to taste it. That does not mean I have to taste the batter, this does not mean I have to eat the crumbs my skinny minnie baby leaves behind. She’s been ordered to GAIN weight, not me. I need to focus more on that.

I have been really good about working out and drinking a lot of water. I just need to focus on the small things in my control. I love beer and wine, I do, but I don’t love my muffin top. I also don’t love feeling like a failure-and yes-that is how I feel, ridiculous as that may sound. I have avoided the Easter candy aisles only to fall prey to the chocolate covered espresso beans and pecans at my bulk food store. What devil decided to combine two of my favorite things? Caffeine and caffeine? I think it was the creepy Amish looking kids in “Children of the Corn”. They seem the type.

I need to RE-renew. I need to step back, assess, and decide what can stay and what needs to get gone, or, in the words of one of my favorite authors, Jennifer Estep “get dead”. My bad habits need to once again, get dead.

If I quit smoking 8 years ago, and got healthy 7 years ago, I can damn well do it again. I refuse to be a statistic. I refuse to be one of the many people who experience massive weight loss only to regain it. Screw that, I like breathing and buying a size 6, petty as that # is; I like it. Eff that, after being a size 26, I LOVE that. I’ll still bake. I’ll still be me. But I don’t need to shove it in my damn face. Do you know what I want in my face? YOU. Keep me in check, tweet me, FB me, help me be my best self and I’ll do the same for you. I’m going to keep posting my #PROOF instagrams/tweets, and posting more of what I eat. I need to.

As I said, I’ll still bake. I’ll admit, this was also my breakfast. It was 300 calories, which is a respectable, if not a less than healthy breakfast. Coffee/crumb cake is a NYC staple. Every bodega sells it, every baker makes it, ALL THE PEOPLE eat it. Mine just happens to be superior.

Mixed Berry Crumb Cake (coffee cake)

mixed berry crumb cake

by Cat Tan

Prep Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 50 minutes

Keywords: bake breakfast snack dessert cake spring

Ingredients (9-12 portions)

For the Crumbly Topping

  • 1/4 cup light brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup dark brown sugar
  • 2 TBSP granulated sugar
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp nutmeg
  • 1/8 tsp ginger
  • 1/8 tsp allspice
  • 3/4 cup all purpose flour
  • 1/2 cup crushed biscoff cookies or 1/4 cup crushed graham crackers and 1/4 cup gingersnaps
  • 1 stick of butter, melted

for the cake, all room temperature

  • 7 tbsp butter
  • one, six oz container of plain greek yogurt (2%)
  • 2 tbsp milk
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 tsp almond extract
  • 1 1/4 cup flour
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup LIGHT brown sugar
  • 1 cup of berries


Preheat oven to 350F

grease a 9″ square baking dish

combine all the dry ingredients for the crumb topping and whisk

stir in butter and set aside

for the cake

whip together all wet ingredients,

sift in dry ingredients and combine

pour into prepared container and press berries into batter

top with crumb topping and bake for approx 50 minutes or until a skewer inserted comes out clean.

let cool and cut

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15 thoughts on “Big, Fat Failure.

  1. There will come a point (I'm hoping really, really soon), where I will also need to be yelled at via social media. My issue is portion control. I didn't lose as much as you - about 70 lbs b/w 2002 & 2007 (I'm a slow loser), but after a slow creep in 2010 & 11, plus pregnancy, I need to lose about the same amount of weight again! BOOOO! So - you can do it, and as soon as I get rid of the first chunk of weight (any time now, fetus, any time), I can do it, too. We are awesome.
  2. Great attitude! I love it. I've gained and lost some weight in the past, but I was never really focused on getting fit and staying that way. From my absolute heaviest (191 right after college) I've managed to drop 25 lbs...15 of those since January. I still have a ways to go, but once I get there I REFUSE to go back. Sounds like you will be just fine!! :)
  3. you can do it! i've been feeling a same internal struggle - i love a beer/wine with dinner but i know i shouldn't drink one every night of the week. it's hard to 'breakup' with the comfortable way or eating and get back on track sometimes. but you've got the attitude and passion behind it - you can do it! also, those bars look deeeeelicious!
  4. You can do this! [No buying new clothes to accommodate the muffin top.] And as I tell my inner 4 year old who wants to eat it all, 'no, you can't have dessert every night, its only for special occasions'. Those blueberries look tasty :-)

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