What the Klumps Eat For Their Last Meal

GOOD MORNING FROM THE HEART OF IT ALL……OHIO.

I will be blogging from my home state this week!

Yesterday was CANADA DAY!! I really hope you all enjoyed your native activities. I pictured you throwing flowers at Celine Dion, eating moose hot dogs, making homemade maple syrup moonshine, and saying “eh” a lot.

I think my view of Canada Day may be greatly colored by “South Park” and Paul Shaffer’s odd choices in eyewear. But seriously, Go Universal Healthcare! Or whatever your Canada Day greeting is.

In just 2 days it is our turn as Americans to celebrate our independence day. I don’t know about you, but I plan on dressing up like Abigail Adams, passing out whisky and muskets, and setting off visually stimulating explosives. Ok, so I’ll probably be in jorts, passing out from heat exhaustion, and lighting nary a sparkler, but my dreams are big. Just like my ass after yesterdays debacle.

I ate for SHITE yesterday. I have no one to blame but myself, but I’m also totally blaming my aunt. I had already eaten entirely too many wheat thins on my way to visit my family, but then once I got here,  SHE HAD MY FAVORITE OHIO CHIPS (Gold N Crisp….sooooo good) and one of my favorite Ohio pizzas (Kraus’) along with her famous chocolate chip cookies, and black and whites. I had one b&w, 2 chocolate chip cookies, 1 very small slice; no crust, the toppings from another tiny slice (for some reason, Ohio makes TINY slices of pizza) and wayyyyy too many chips with 2 glasses of wine.

Shit’s gotta change today.

A: I need to find some place to work out.

B: I have GOT to get the Buehler’s or Giant Eagle and get some farking fruit and veggies. My family’s view of a healthy snack is veggies COVERED in ranch dip. G-d love em.

When I’m at home, I munch on fruits and veggies all damn day. I feel lost without them.

Good thing for you I have a “what to bring to your family’s house for your fourth of July party when they eat like the Klumps having their last meal” plan, complete with fancy graphics.

You see? Fancy graphics.

First up, we have feta stuffed mini bell peppers!! These babies are high in protein, super low in carbs, delicious, and lower calorie!

Below that, on the left is my HIBISCUS COOLER!! It’s so damn good. Throw some blueberries and strawberries in there and it’s also patriotic. Show your love for the U.S.A. by getting hammered. Just like the founding fathers.

Beside the happy bevvie, we have my perfect spiced popcorn. This will go lightning fast.

Below that, on the left, is mini potatoes with lox. SO good. Deceptively simple

Beside that is my sweet potato chipotle dip. ZO.MY.GAH.

I hope that your aunt doesn’t practically throw chocolate chip cookies in your face in a misguided attempt at hospitality…ok, so the woman *may* just know that I love her cookies. What’s it to you? STOP JUDGING ME!!!

or not. your choice.

4 thoughts on “What the Klumps Eat For Their Last Meal

  1. I LOVE YOUR COLLAGE! You are such a freaking drama queen. Have fun in Oh Hi Oh with the fam!!! =) I was not so secretly hoping you were going to canton ga (that exists right? i didnt make it up?) so you would drive through HERE on your way down! but alas, i’ll pout instead!

    jk i’m going to wilmington biiiotch! love you!

  2. HAHA. I came back from my sister’s bbq yesterday evening feeling like I would float away b/c of how bloated I was from all the crap I ate. Hamburger, chicken, potato chips (I don’t even really like potato chips), Ralph’s Italian Ice, cookies…and not nearly enough water. Not good.
    Your collage is beautiful. Pinning now =)

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