Do We Think Charlie Sheen Likes Honey?

How do you pass the time on a thirty-mile bike ride, or a fifteen-mile run? Typically, while running, I’d listen to a combination of audiobooks and music, and old podcasts of Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me on my iphone. Even if I am running with The Navajo, (whom I may also refer to as “His Lordship Prettyboy.”) I often remain enveloped in the notes and bars between my ears.

However, I am training for my first triathlon. While Ellie Mae and Scandi Sally refuse to ride bicycles with the rest of us, we’ve all been logging miles together running and swimming. While we’re running, we have a tendency to talk politics and food, because…I have no idea, actually. I think we’re just weird. But in the liminal space between running and biking, there is this bit of retrocession of energy, where we could easily fall prey to the gravitational weight on our limbs and minds, and we could just fall over from the exertion. There must be excitement to get beyond the mental and physical lassitude.

For days, we stuck to our old ritual of “The Sorkin Game,” only without alcohol. For those of you who have never heard of this genius game that really only my friends play, it’s a drinking game. You read or quote Sorkin scripts as fast as you can, or as well as you can, without screwing up, because if you do, tequila is going to find you. Whomever messes up first during our brick, is forced to rack the bikes.

Well, I’ve been playing this game for years, and so has the Professor, so we try to one-up each other–hard. We can go back and forth,”walk-and-talk” style for days without error. Last week, I threw down. I grabbed all my chips, and threw them at the boys BECAUSE I FREAKING CAN. They wanted me to do this tri to get over my fear of bicycles? Fine. Take this, mother truckers.

I recited this monologue, and I.Did.It.Perfectly.

It should also be noted that Martin is my favorite Sheen. My second favorite being Charlie, then Emilio (estevez..ugh, sticking to your actual surname…boring!) and my fourth favorite is the sheen my lip gloss gives me. It’s called “black honey,” just FYI. –It should also be noted that the fourth Sheen has not met my second-favorite Sheen even though I met him outside a unisex bathroom in Manhattan and he stared at my tits for a very long time.

The Highlander was shocked I could do the Latin, and said so. I replied by quoting off a crap ton of the Leiden Aratea, which is a 9th c. manuscript of a writing of Germanicus.

After his eyes popped back in his head, the fairly-large Scot started quoting off extremely random Gaelic proverbs he’s memorized. Because early astronomy isn’t weird enough. I am going to stress the *extremely* bit of *extremely* random. I believe one of the proverbs has something to do with not pissing in the wind if you just put the sheets up to dry. Which, I suppose, is a valid concern. Not to be outdone, the Professor started quoting romantic poets of England. I tuned him out somewhere during Wordsworth. Because, zzzzzzz.

Well, the Highlander has taken to one specific phrase for when we’re dragging our asses particularly low: “Cha deoch-slàint, i gun a tràghadh.” (pardon my disastrous spelling.) I am pretty sure it means “it’s not healthy if you don’t drink the whole thing.” Which I would take as a great pub song, but it means, if you’re doing it, do it until you’re done. So with his bastardized Gaelic, I throw in bastardized Latin: “Ubi cubuli meum ibi patria.” “Where there is my bed, there is my homeland.” Because, tired. *very bastardized Latin.* The Professor just keeps saying things like: “Love is my religion and I could die for that….Soft pipes, play on!” And more Keats. Seriously, I get that he’s a Keats scholar. He’s probably academia’s foremost Keats scholar. (not Proust..not even second highest regarded Marcel Proust scholar in the United States.)

After we run out of playful banter, we mostly just swear at each other until it’s over. “Why, WHY are we doing this? Who thought this was a good idea? Did you finish Penny Dreadful, yet?” The important things.

Then we get hungry.

Thankfully, I’m a pretty good cook.

Paleo Date-Nut Pancakes.

Paleo Date-Nut Pancakes Paleo Date-Nut Pancakes

Paleo Date-Nut Pancakes

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Keywords: grill breakfast side snack

Ingredients (12 pancakes)

  • 1 cup mixed nuts
  • 1 cup pitted dates
  • 1 cup coconut flour
  • 1 1/2 cups coconut milk (or more/less, depending on your flour)
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 egg
  • 3 egg whites

for the topping (per serving)

  • 1 tbsp peanut butter
  • 1 tsp coconut oil
  • 1 tsp maple syrup or honey
  • 1/4 tsp vanilla extract


pulse nuts in a food pro until you get a fine powder

add in dates until pasty

add in all other ingredients, milk last

when you reach a thick pancake consistency, stop adding milk

Using a 1 oz scoop, scoop onto greased griddle cooking each side for 2-3 minutes

for the sauce

add the ingredients for the sauce into a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds

pour over pancakes


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