Really? Reptiles?

I read a lot of motivational blogs. I can’t possibly begin to explain all the whys of it. I don’t often feel a real lack of motivation, save for when it comes to folding the laundry, or cleaning up crumbs…again. I’m also pretty cynical. I do my best to temper my “really? REALLY?” face, but more often than not, I just don’t get it.

My best guess is that the desire to read these blogs is the same desire that has me picking up romance novels over and over again. I don’t want to be cynical. I don’t want my name to become the charactonym referring to “cynical white girl who smiles a lot and makes dirty jokes.” I’d rather just be “wild woman who smiles a lot and loves the phrase ‘turtle-fucker’,” or something.  (This is because of the book Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. That book definitely features a turtle-fucker.)

Anyways, quite the ambagious route to my point. However, if you read this blog with any sort of regularity, you’ll know already that’s how I do. Lately, I’ve been following some blogs that are more my style. They’re what I’d call “honesty blogs.” They’re not all tea and roses and One Direction music. You don’t get the feeling they’re super squeaky motivational with say, a secret meth habit or addiction to vegetable porn. They’re real. They’re more “cold-coffee-reheated-in-a-microwave-and-David-Ramirez-on-iTunes-played-on-their-iphone-in-a-bowl-because they-forgot-their-speaker-at-home-in-the-bathroom.”

I like that. Breakfast to Bed is in no way 100% honest. I hide a LOT of my shit from you scamps. However, I like to think I don’t gussy up my words or ever pretend like I have it all together. Because I don’t. It is very cathartic for me to come on here and write about my struggle with depression or my addiction to sugar and eye-rolling romance novels.  There are days I come on here, and I feel like I could be the banner carrier for poor life decisions–not entirely related to the fact that I’m on a first-name basis with more than six local bakery owners.

I struggle daily with my self-image, some days more than others. Most days I still feel like a fat girl who is just posing as someone who does ridiculous things like lifting heavy shit or voluntarily drinking water as a beverage not served with scotch.

But my blog? You scamps don’t judge me based on my appearance or my mad freestyle rap skills. You judge me on the content of my posts. That’s AWESOME.  However, if you feel like judging me on anything other than my posts, please don’t let it be my freestyle rap skills. I may have exaggerated my prowess just a touch.

Though, I’m sure, if I practiced, I could be like, a non-racist Eminem or Macklemore…with boobs.

While I go work on my street cred, (for a Brooklyn mom, this means I’m going to go to the park and hand out non-organic treats, or wear a shirt that reads “Gluten is my homeboy!”) please, make this INSANE cheesecake.

I know, I know, I said on Instagram, “down with pumpkin! up with skirts!” and I’m still keeping 50% of this sentiment alive and well. But I couldn’t resist making a pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving. I also couldn’t leave well enough alone. Why make a boring old pumpkin cheesecake, when I could make THE MOST INSANE CHEESECAKE KNOWN TO HUMANKIND?!!?? Why, indeed.

I give you, the insaneomgpleasejumpinmymouth

Pumpkin Cheesecake with Cranberry-Citrus Compote

more simply,

Cranberry Pumpkin Cheesecake

cranberry pumpkin cheesecake

cranberry pumpkin cheesecake cranberry pumpkin cheesecake

Cranberry Pumpkin Cheesecake

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 1 hour cook 2 hours cool

Keywords: bake dessert cake

Ingredients (1 cheesecake)

    for the crust

    • 1 1/2 cups crushed salted pecans or other nuts
    • 2 tbsp light brown sugar
    • 1 stick melted butter

    for the compote

    • 1, 12 oz bag of fresh cranberries
    • the juice of 3 mandarin oranges or clementines
    • the zest from 3 mandarin oranges or clementines
    • 1/3 cup sugar

    for the cheesecake

    • 3, 8oz packages of cream cheese, softened
    • 3 large eggs plus 2 yolks
    • 1, 15 oz can of pumpkin puree
    • 1 1/2 cups light brown sugar
    • 1 tsp cinnamon
    • 1/4 tsp nutmeg
    • 1/8 tsp mace or allspice
    • 4 tbsp flour or g-free flour blend
    • 1 tsp vanilla extract
    • 1/2 tsp bourbon extract (optional)


    Preheat oven to 350

    prepare the crust

    crush nuts to a powder in a food processor,

    add melted butter

    mash into the bottom of buttered 9″ springform pan

    bake for 5 minutes or until you really start smelling the nuts

    prepare the compote

    add all compote ingredients into a saucepan and cook on medium low until berries start to pop. Remove from heat and set aside

    prepare the cheesecake

    in a mixer, combine cream cheese and sugar on high

    whip until air starts to lighten the mixture

    add eggs and vanilla

    whip another minute

    slowly sift in dry ingredients

    pour into prepared crust

    bake for 1 hour in a bain marie. (wrap bottom of pan heavily with foil and set inside a larger pan filled with water.)

    remove from oven and waterbath and chill 2 or more hours

    top with compote

    powdered sugar optional

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    6 thoughts on “Really? Reptiles?

    1. That looks so insanely good. But eggs! WHY EGGS?! Why couldn't my kidlet be allergic to peanuts or something. I mean, I love peanut butter, but I don't need it to bake. Also, I judge you not on the content of your posts, or your freestyle rap skills (but karaoke, seriously, next time you're in town; I'm ready now), but on your crazy-ass addition to paranormal romance. You are, as my crazy wheat & egg allergic Bean would say, "awesomesauce." (I taught him that.)

    talk foodie to me...