Caffeine Won’t Make You Paranoid, Will It? WHAT WAS THAT?!

There is a nap waiting for me at the end of this post.  In fact, I am on my third cup of coffee since 5 am, and it feels like I need ten more.

sleepy kitty is sleepy.

Unfortunately, there will be no book post this week as the only things I am reading are just those pertinent to my scholarship. However, if you’d like to discuss Can the Subaltern Speak, I’ll point you in the direction of SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME, who’d still like to engage. In a week and a half, when this semester is over for me, I plan on reading nothing but fiction. All fiction, all the time, for six weeks. Do you plan on forwarding this really interesting article about the relative importance of the banana factory from 100 Years of Solitude when juxtaposed against the iPhone factories in China? Great! I’m not reading it. 

Samuel L Jackson and Joe Biden are second-parent adopting me with the third parent being Elizabeth Warren. I will make them cookies and they will bring beer, get the snakes off the plane, and kick the man in the nutsack.

For the next six weeks, I am going to go to the gym more than what I have been able to do in the past few weeks. I am going to finally defeat the man in a game of Risk, and I’m going to eat ALL OF THE SALAD, EVER. Seriously. Do you know the stereotype of scholars/students eating on the go? It’s 100% TRUE. I just want lettuce with stuff on top. Yummy stuff. Eggs, beets, feta cheese so salty that it burns your tongue. Dressing made with the tears of my professors. Absolutely NO CROUTONS. Those are just gross.

I want to run ten miles through snow so deep that my ankles go numb. I want to do so many KPUs that my belly button feels the burn. I want to use course catalogs as kindling and stoke the fires of my FEELS.

The other night, as the ambien was taking hold, and my sanity was dwindling, I decided to text my oldest and dearest, Broadway Baby. It went a little like this:

Me:”I think that I’ve reached terminal velocity on my stupidity.”

Him:”baby, that was ten years ago. You’re just floating like Sandra Bullock at this point.”

Me: “You smell like old cheese.”

Him: “Why are you stupid?”

Me: “I just mistakenly used passive voice in a thesis statement.”

Him: “show the professor Lucy and Ethyl and he’ll get over it. What is passive voice?”

Me: “he’s a she, and straight. And, I have needed to use passive voice in the past, but I deleted it this time before I needed to have handed it in.”

Him: “you’re good, then.”

Me: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!! I USED PASSIVE VOICE!!”

Him: “honey, get Sir Shirtless to carry you to bed.”

Me: “okaaaay. smooches.”

Why is using passive voice what I think about before bed?!?!? WHO AM I?!?! Seriously, who does that shit? Passive voice was actually staving off the effects of a NARCOTIC. That’s how neurotic I’ve become. There’s got to be a program for that. Dangling modifiers and passive voice obsessors anonymous, maybe? Yes. There must be something similar.

Now onto the good stuff. The real reason you come to my hole in the world wide web. Something laden with sugar to go with your salad.

In Brooklyn, you can find pretty much anything your heart desires. Including a myriad of variations on iced coffee. This time of year, I am particularly drawn to the Malaysian iced coffee that this tiny shop in the Bath Beach section of Brooklyn is known for selling. I think I’m drawn to it because it has the essential flavors of the season poured in each cup: cinnamon, orange, and vanilla. I know what you’re thinking. “Orange? In coffee? EWWW.” I swear to you, it is just a hint, and it is SO GOOD. It smells like those sachets that fancy stores boil to scent their shops. It is pure heaven.

At the shop, they make it “Teh Tarik” style, by pulling it back and forth.

I would burn every skin cell off my hands if I tried that shit.

I have managed a reasonable facsimile of my favorite iced beverage at home, where I stir it. I now share it with you!

Malaysian Iced Coffee

Malaysian iced coffee malaysian iced coffee Malaysian iced coffee

Malaysian Iced Coffee

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 7 minutes

Keywords: beverage Malaysian

Ingredients (2 large glasses)

  • 24 oz double strength coffee. double strength for YOUR tastebuds
  • (for a 32 oz french press, this is 1/3+ cup grounds for the pot)
  • 6 tbsp sweetened condensed milk
  • 3-5 dashes of orange essence, or ONE dash/drop orange oil/extract. these are VERY different monsters. Essence is mixed with WATER and is lighter.
  • 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/4 tsp cinnamon

Instructions

BEFORE YOU BREW YOUR COFFEE

sprinkle cinnamon over grounds 🙂

brew the coffee

let it come to room temperature

get out two glasses

fill with ice

pour coffee into separate measuring cup and add extract and essence

stir well

pour 3 tbsp per glass of sweetened condensed milk over the ice

add the coffee

stir VIGOROUSLY.

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4 thoughts on “Caffeine Won’t Make You Paranoid, Will It? WHAT WAS THAT?!

  1. I do like coffee but I go through phases where I will drink it daily to where I cannot even look at it because it makes me feel sick - so weird I know, ha ha! Caffeine will def make me jittery as all hell though LOL! And the world KNOWS I don't need MORE jitters! ;)

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