The Top 5 Things All Runners Know

The Top 5 Most Important Things I’ve Learned From Training For a Marathon.

  1. There is nothing quite so hideous as a marathoner’s feet. I mean, I’ve seen a LOT of gross stuff. Not only am I the mother of small children, I live in New York City, and I’m a working actor. Gross is sort of my bread and butter. However, after running 18 miles through NYC–we’ll call it dust,–my feet resemble nothing so much as things with which to walk, as they do Hobbit-like appendages that have been waxed and stripped of at least three nails. Note to new runners: This seriously fucks with your pedicurist. They.Are.Horrified.

    Just call me Bilbo.
  2. Sweating is sexy for the first 5 miles. You’re glistening. You have a healthy glow, and you’re turning more than a few heads. Catch yourself in a reflection? Wink! Because honey, you’re looking hot. Sweating at mile 8? The glow I had now resembles the face I made when I had that lovely stomach flu last year. It’s a really red face with a sort of yellowish haze around the edges. Mile 16 and on? I think I was cuter when everyone was watching a human escape my ladyflower, and I was leaking fluids no person should ever leak.
  3. Everybody poops. Especially distance runners. Personally, I’ve never had runner’s runs, but what I can tell you, and what will already be OMG SO MUCH TMI, is that my complete failure in my resolution to drink more water has not affected my ability to digest at all. In fact, I think I could live on a diet of processed cheddar cheese and fiber supplements while drinking only whole milk and diet soda, and I would still be A-Ok.
  4. Every marathoner/triathlete (present company included) believes themselves to be a super special snowflake. Even if we’re together in a giant arena filled with other people who have essentially the exact same schedule and problems that we have, they will never understand the struggle. We also realize we’re mostly a group of kinetic assholes.
  5. Rungry is not just a word runners made up. It’s a state of being. Let me tell you, after the initial “Oh dear, I feel like puking is a good idea” part of the post-run process, you quickly begin to feel as though you’ve possibly never eaten in your entire life. But here’s the thing–you can’t eat like a maniac. Sure, you get a pass with an extra 4-500 kcals a day, but more than that? And you’re going to gain weight–unless you’re pushing long more than 1/wk.  Runners can kill those 500 calories with beer.  Another thing, ever since a doc set upon my intestines like balls of yarn, I don’t actually produce ghrelin. What happens is that when I start eating, I feel as though I cannot possibly eat enough. I may not produce the hunger hormone, but I do produce the happy I’ve eaten hormone. In spades.

Which brings me to today’s recipe! Tonight, I am running 20 miles in 15°(F)-9°(C) with an expected wind chill of -5°(F)-23°(C) That temperature falls somewhere between “witch’s tit” and “Queen Elsa’s bathwater.” Running 20 miles is going to feel like 300 miles, and I’m going to want something hot and boozy when I get inside.

Well, we all know that the first beverage most runners go for at the race table is chocolate milk, right? Of course right. We’re special snowflakes. There’s no way we all race for the same drink like the last beer at a frat party. So I combined all the yumminess of the aforementioned bevvie of choice and booze, and I made it warm and soothing.

The Hot Cocoa Nutellatini

Hot Cocoa Nutellatini Hot Cocoa Nutellatini

Hot Cocoa Nutellatini

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 25 minutes *includes making la

Cook Time: included in prep time

Keywords: beverage cocktail

Ingredients (2 cocktails and Much Cocoa to)

    to make the very best rich hot cocoa

    • 12 oz whole milk
    • 4 oz heavy cream
    • 4 oz shaved 70% dark chocolate (I like Valrhona)
    • 3 heaping tablespoons dark cocoa powder (Ghiradelli or Valrhona is best)
    • 3 tablespoons superfine sugar
    • 1 tsp vanilla extract
    • pinch of sea salt

    to make the cocktails

    • 4 oz of above hot cocoa
    • 2 oz Frangelico liqueur
    • 1 oz amaretto liqueur
    • 1 oz dark chocolate Godiva liqueur

    Boozy Whipped Cream

    • 1 cup heavy whipping cream
    • 1 tbsp white chocolate creme de cacao
    • 2 heaping tbsp confectioner’s sugar
    • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

    additional toppings

    • more shaved chocolate
    • mini effing marshmallows, duh
    • grated coconut

    Instructions

    to make the cocoa

    bring the milk and heavy cream to a low simmer on low heat in a heavy-bottomed saucepan

    whisk in cocoa powder and sugar and continue whisking until combined and velvety.

    add in shaved chocolate slowly while whisking, continue whisking on low heat until smooth and creamy

    whisk in vanilla and salt, remove from heat

    to make the cocktails

    pour the cocoa and liqueurs into a pyrex measuring cup

    stir to combine

    keep on a hot water pad or heating pad until ready to use, no hotter than 110F

    to make the whipped cream

    keep all the ingredients SUPER COLD and whisk them with a mixer, sifting in the confectioner’s sugar until medium peaks form

    assembly

    pour the drinks into two mugs/glasses

    top with whipped cream and marshmallows

    drink and repeat until happy.

    DRINK RESPONSIBLY. TURN OFF TEXT MESSAGES ON YOUR PHONE NOW.

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    14 thoughts on “The Top 5 Things All Runners Know

    1. I'd like to re-title this "reasons I'll never run a marathon" But good for you! Really. I wish I had that kind of discipline. Or just one of those drinks - the boozy version. Good luck tonight! Have 5 drinks!
    2. I hate you. I don't understand why you can't remember all my food issues and insist (INSIST) on doing a boozy recipe that is so chocolately when I cannot eat chocolate due to the medication that keeps me sane. Sigh. Guess it's more butterbeer for me.
    3. Oh my! I definitely had my laugh for the day. :) I'll skip the run and drink a batch of these while YOU run, then make a 2nd bath for us to share. Sounds fair.

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