Gold Medal in the Assbasket Olympics.


40 days as a vegan. 55 days as a vegetarian (again.) Approximately 38 days of completely self-righteous annoyingness seeping into my personality.

It’s like I’ve been waiting my whole life to be a vegan!

In a conversation with my very best OLDER sister, (because she looks younger than I do, therefore, I must remind her that she is TWO YEARS AND FOUR MONTHS older than I am) we chatted a bit about which I’ll be the most insufferable about, the fact that I’m a distance runner, a yogi, a crossfitter, or a vegan? She insists it’s all of the above, and really? How can I choose?

I should also mention I’m a reader who is turning off cable when the Game of Thrones series ends for the year. (It’s SUMMER, KIDS, TURN OFF THE FUCKING TEEEEEVEE AND IPAD. GAHHH!) My family could identify me by the top of my head alone.

It’s a good fucking thing I went vegan, or else I may be lured into some other hipster activity like churning butter. (Or growing a beard, I’m Slavic, I could probably manage. Although, aren’t beards sort of DONE at this point? Aren’t the real hipsters shaving by now? With some special bar and brush made of yak milk and the hair of virgins?)

Changing this dramatically has me inexplicably excited. In spite of some truly trying issues in my personal life, it’s giving me something on which to hold. It’s not tangible, but the effects are, the products are, the people in the community in which I now find myself, are tangible. I’ve ingurgitated a veritable wealth of information on the food, the culture, and the reasons people go vegan. I’ve surfed the beautiful Spa Bettie blog, watched a ton of Vegan Bros and No Meat Athlete vlogs, and tried to find vegans who, in general, aren’t assholes. This is not as difficult as I previously assumed–or else, I’ve since become an asshole. 

I worry about turning people off with my lifestyle, until I catch myself in the mirror at Target, and realize that I am not some slimbeachbodyvitaminladen shake and supplement peddling, 10% body fat mother trucker, telling anyone they need to drink the urine of the dragonfruit magic fly in order to get beyond anyone’s physical ennui. I am a soft and sort of slimmish lady who loves to bake, and if I turn anyone off it’s because of my politics or my snobbish love of books–as G-d intended!

I find there are only a few things which I really miss: nutella, Caesar salad dressing, and corndogs. Ok, so that last one is extra weird, but I frequent Coney Island in the summer, and Nathan’s is RIGHT THERE, and their corndogs are made of magic and happiness, and feel like laughter and hugs from elderly relatives. So yeah, I miss them like Cersei Lannister misses her brother…or her hair…dignity…evil son…

But my cooking has become more creative, and I am paying attention to what I eat. That’s saying something.

Annnnnd….I am making more of my own shit as everything has something in it. Last week, the

PSMwent to DQ with the fruit of her loins, or because her loins were angry–something. Loins were involved. The discussion of the magic of peanut butter sauce came up. I love love love DQ parfaits with the pb sauce and the hot fudge, the salty peanuts…the cherry. (I can tie a stem with my tongue) HOWEVER, that sauce can only be purchased in 94876394586 gallon tubs for $9348763 and it contains milk and the baby making juice of this guy…

It’s not vegan–or humane–to the person who must “collect” it.

So I made one. It’s vegan not only because, vegan, but because SOY MILK EMULSIFIES BETTER. *seriously, soy lecithin is an emulsifier, and whole milk separates like crazy.

Copycat Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Sauce

pb sauce peanut butter sauce vegan copycat peanut butter sacue vegan peanut butter sauce

Copycat Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Sauce

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 2 minutes

Cook Time: 2 minutes

Keywords: dessert side snack condiment vegan dairy-free kosher

Ingredients (1 jar)

  • 1/2 standard jar of natural peanut butter (I used organic Smucker’s)
  • 3/4 cup vanilla soy milk
  • 3 tbsp peanut or coconut oil
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1/3 cup superfine sugar


heat the milk in a microwave safe dish in the microwave on high for 1 minute

stir in sugar

pour the mixture and remaining ingredients into a blender


pour over everything. ice cream, brownies, Michael Fassbender…

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10 thoughts on “Gold Medal in the Assbasket Olympics.

  1. cooking becomes more creative - this is perhaps one of my favorite things about veganism, and it is not even DIFFICULT. well, I have always loved the kitchen. and while there ARE plenty of assholes (I'd suggest you stay clear of vegan Facebook forums and the like - the VP* likes to lurk there), there are more of us that are compassionate, and even LIKEABLE. I could go on and on, so if you ever need... lastly, I love this. my Dad would have loved this, as his favorite was always the Peanut Buster Barfait (oh, his name. erm, the PARFAIT). good stuff, this sauce. good stuff, you are. *the self important and better than thou Vegan Police
  2. I could never go vegan again, but I totally get it. And I love the recipe creativity that come with it. Like this... I would be shoveling this in my pie hole with both hands if it was in front for me right now.
  3. Girllll you be fucking funny!!! And duh, I love you whether you eat vegan, vegetarian, meat, paper, air... WHATEVER! As long as you do you, fucking eat what you want yo! **Drops the mic and scarfs down 10 pounds of butternut squash**

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