It’s Not That Kind of Map.

OK, GUYS, I’m doing something I hardly ever do. I’m going to blog about something I am currently reading — not something I’ve recently read, because I’m loving it that much. I am also making a Summer Lemon Frosé because you’re worth it.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I’ve been feeling really lost since my hearing has become so bad that a lot of what I thought my life should be or would be is now inaccessible to me. I always just pictured myself acting and singing, but with my anxiety and subsequent hearing loss, it’s become a struggle. As soon as I worked through my anxiety, my hearing loss became so profound that acting just isn’t a thing I can really do. I learned this the hard way. Nothing says “oh you’re deaf,” like standing there on stage dropping lines because you didn’t hear the lead-in line.

Yes, there are deaf actors, profoundly even, but it’s likely not going to be me. It makes my anxiety triple, and then the sweating starts, and the shakes, and the picturing of my untimely demise…you get it. But, here’s the thing, as much as I love acting, I still love and CAN DO other things, but it’s been a transition.

In order to deal with this, I’ve been reading — a lot. Self-help books, mostly, but also memoirs and biographies about women who’ve made a shift in their adult life and loved it. It’s been really, well, helpful.

The book I’m reading right now is The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. It’s not a map in the way that you’re thinking. It’s not the typical “really loud tall guy says fuck a lot and you feel energized.” Not at all, though I do love me some Tony. LaPorte’s message is more about how you want to feel, and how that can change your perspective on what you want to be doing in life.

I never thought that I was uncertain of how I wanted or needed to feel. “I want to feel good, right?” It’s a bit more complicated than that, and LaPorte is showing me that. I know that I need to feel needed and like I’m contributing. I need to feel settled and wanted. I want to feel accomplished and keep my driven nature. I need to feel determined and abundant. I need to feel creative. 

Whoa, what?

Creative is a thing I am, it may also be a feeling I have, but it is a state of feeling? Yes, yes it is. Damn. Here I am, basically telling myself “what I do is good enough,” and “I can be successful and be creative, and they can be apart from one another.” Nope. LaPorte is setting my shit straight, and I needed it. It’s very gentle, and it’s a big thump to the back of the head — and it’s needed. Holy hell is it needed. Like birth control and prom night, the state you accept and the work you choose need to go together. (Note I say “choose” because I understand working for the money, that’s my day job.)

I’ll keep updating via instagram and right here on the blog, but I’m sparkly heart loving this. Until then, here’s a bit of a theme song for you.

About that summer lemon frosé. Holy Montell Jordan Mother of Fuck is this shit good. Be careful, though. It is SO smooth that you’ll finish a big glass, go for a refill, and be like “OH. Well, I guess I’m a bit pissed. Damn.”

Summer Lemon Frosé

This recipe is dead simple.

  • one bottle rosé
  • 1 cup good gin
  • 2 cups good lemonade

Pour wine into ice cube trays and freeze. Do the same for 1/2 of the lemonade.

combine frozen wine, lemonade, fresh lemonade and gin into a blender set to ice crush. blend until smooth. Top with more lemon and a straw. DRINK.


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