I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before today, but I am in rehearsals “Twelfth Night.” I am playing Viola. I’m going to assume I’m getting to play this awesome role because of talent, and possibly nepotism, and not because of nepotism and the fact that I’m shaped like a 13 year old boy.
Anyways, that’s beside the point. Theatre, in all of its madness and chaos of live performance and all that rot, is essentially a liquid, living, visual experience. As an actor, I’m able to use my body, my face, and the stage to portray everything I want to as that character. Really, it’s all very Waiting for Guffman.
This is where we’re going to pretend I get all Inside the Actor’s Studio about acting, and what it takes to do it and yadda yadda yadda, more shit people don’t care about if they’re not actors….
But I will answer this:
Because it’s so easy. It’s “cunt punt.” Sorry, PSM.
Moving on, my point is, when I’m on stage or in front of a camera, I have a fuckton of means available to convey emotion and everything else. HOWEVER, some of the ABSOLUTELY MOST DIFFICULT work I’ve done as an actor is voiceover work. You’re expected to make magic with only your instrument. (insert skin flute joke, here.) It’s a very solitary gig. It’s just you and the producer, in a disturbingly quiet room, and a microphone that stares at you like it’s about to eat your face.
Sometimes, if you’re recording dialogue for a cartoon, you get sketches or stills for inspiration. Also, chances are, you’re going to be doing one or two of the voices–so, not so bad. You flail, you pull your hair, you get all “method” in front of the face-eating microphone.
If its an ad, it’s a reasonably straight-forward gig. Read, get it clear, get it across, get it done. Great. BAM. Thank you very much, don’t forget my check.
But when it’s an AUDIOBOOK. It’s JUST YOU. (mostly) For HOURS. You’re doing every voice, every emotion, every call and wail, every breathy intonation, every bit of it. Face Eater just hangs there in judgement of your every word. Your producer occasionally stops you dead in the middle of the line to tell you that you need to swallow. (perfect place for another skin flute reference.) You have a script in front of you with eighteen different colors of highlighter splattered across its pages like some sort of evil modern art graffiti. You drink approximately a gallon of throat coat, and proceed to wiggle through the last 4 pages because your bladder is about to explode. By the end of the day, you’re wanting to add some gin to that tea, because you have had it with hearing yourself talk.
Also? Sometimes you read books that may make my jokes about *woodwinds* seem like the most innocent of humor. Sometimes, you find yourself describing, in detail, very interesting scenes. There could be moaning…heavy breathing……….grunting.
Sometimes, if say, you’re a pale-ass Slav with a fundie father, you develop a fever of the face through the entire read.
There’s a good reason why I do theatre, and why I admire the ever-loving fuck out of actors who make their living reading for audiobooks. It is seriously hard, and somewhat lonely, and GAH! HARD! *twhs.
This week’s aurgasms narrator, Xe Sands, makes it sound effortless. Like, homegirl just walks up to the face-eating demon recorder, says “FUCK YOU, I WILL CUNT-PUNT YOUR ASS INTO SUCCESS!” and then she just rocks that book like the San Andreas fault rocks Cali. Or how I rock myself in a corner before I go into the recording studio. (it’s all very Emily Rose, for me)
The first series I listened to that she narrated was the Nightwalkers, series by Jacquelyn Frank. The series itself is pretty boss, great writing, fun plot, interesting characters, good books, right? Would I have stayed with the series through its entirety, and listened to the spin-off series if not for the narrator? I don’t think so. I think if it was on my kindle alone, it would have sat in the long line of TBR that I have no idea if I’ll ever read.
Her reading of Euphoria, one of my favorite books of last year, was ABSOFUCKINGAMAZEBALLS. Her accents, her characters, her men, her women, everything. Perfect. My cast mate came in while I was listening to it, and he looked at me, and said “that voice should read me to sleep every night.” I sent him to her audible page.
If he chooses the right novel, sleep won’t be what’s on his mind…
Her voice is reminiscent of Kathleen Turner, only a bit more youthful, a bit less tobacco. It’s sexy in a way that’s exactly the right amount of turn-the-page hotness, and toned-down seductress. She is exactly who you’d choose to read the chapters of your memoirs that deal with your clubbing 20s and peak 30s.
I also think it’d be hilarious to hear her totttalllly sex up a read of bad high school emo poetry, because I am fucked up like that.
A lot of my emo poetry from high school is ALL ABOUT unrequited love, and my gay boyfriend not really knowing what to do when he felt me up. It was an embarrassing time for all.
I’m about to kick some serious ass, running all weekend, and just POUNDING a series narrated by Xe Sands. (plus a few others, I have ADHD.) I suggest you do the same.
The recipe for the narrator.
Thankfully, Xe Sands is on social media and I could ask her for her favorites. She was polite enough to respond, and thus, y’all are getting
Chocolate Chip Sour Cream Donuts.
These are like the best bakery sour cream donut, combined with delectable dark chocolate, and an ooey-gooey glaze that makes your mouth sing.
Chocolate Chip Sour Cream Donuts
Prep Time: 20 minutes plus 45 minutes chi
Cook Time: 5-8 minutes
Keywords: fry appetizer bread breakfast dessert
Ingredients (1 dozen donuts)
- 1 egg
- 3 tbsp softened butter
- 1 egg
- 1/2 cup plus 2 tbsp sugar
- 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
- 1/2 tsp cinnamon
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 cup sour cream
- 2 tbsp milk
- 2 1/3 cup AP Flour–sifted twice
- 1 cup dark chocolate chips
- fat for frying
- 100 ml HOT, but not scalding whole milk
- 1 cup sifted confectioners sugar
- 3 tbsp white corn syrup
- 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
- 1/4 tsp almond extract
whip together wet ingredients in a mixer on high
reduce mixer speed to slow
sift in dry ingredients, save chips
stir in chips
cover and chill for 45 minutes
preheat 2 cups of oil in a shallow pan
bring oil to 325F
roll out dough on floured surface and cut into rounds and cut out centers 1/2″ thick.
re-roll excess and repeat
fry each donut 3 minutes per side
whisk sugar and extracts and syrup into hot milk with a whisk
dip each cooled donut into the glaze and set aside for a few minutes