Don’t Put Your Head in the Easter Bunny’s Lap

It’s beginning to smell a lot like Christmas….it’s either the smell of Santa’s urine soaked lap, or cookies. I really hope it’s the latter, mostly because I don’t want my head that close to Santa’s lap, it would be inappropriate. The Tooth Fairy, maybe…she/he carries money. Win/Win. So it’s probably the cookies. There is just … Read more…

Sharing is Caring, Except When It’s Herpes.

I am just so, so proud of my kids. I couldn’t be any prouder of them if they were putting together a human body jigsaw puzzle while simultaneously making snarky comments about Fox News. “hmmm, that’s the maxilla, and that’s Steve Douchey….” With the hurricane, they’ve had a really challenging couple of weeks. The discipline that we … Read more…

Bridget Jones Never Did Cocaine

Do you know what’s more awesome about toasting the President’s re-election with spirits, and then celebrating with friends until the wee hours? Waking up at 6am the next morning. Really, you should try it. Coffee me. Actually, just install a coffee IV drip. I hear it’s good for cellulite. Inject it in my upperthighlowerass. Anyways, … Read more…

Keanu Reeves is Incapable of Mind Control

Just an FYI, “Bram Stokers Dracula”, featuring Winona Ryder, does NOT hold up to time. For many years, I couldn’t understand why it was so universally panned by critics and viewers everywhere. I grew up loving that movie. I would argue “It’s just a misunderstood guy, trying to re-capture the woman of his dreams!!!” Re-capture being … Read more…

Finding Naked Michael Fassbender

It’s genetics. I can’t help it. my eye color my hair color my un-tame-able fro my flat ass my cankles my odd hazel/gold/brown eyes my goose neck my sarcastic personality what isn’t genetics my choice to sometimes oftentimes eat the wrong thing my choice to move my body every day my love of Doctor Who … Read more…