All Things for Face Holes

Hellllooooooo! Well, here we are! Another Sunday Sweet! This one has a bit of a twist! It’s also my Foodie Gift Guide!

But first….the great and powerful Oz Carla Birnberg posted a link today that is a ranking of the most stressed zips by rank. Unsurprisingly, my neighborhood falls in the top two thousand. Strangely enough, just a few zips over in crunchy munchy Park Slope, Brooklyn, the rank zips past 15k. *to give you an idea, The Squid and the Whale is set in the Slope. My only conclusion about why they’re so much less stressed is that THEY LIVE IN A DEN OF LIES.

They don’t have thrones in the hippie commune.

Seriously. I love the restaurants in the neighborhood, and (here’s where I’m going to sound like a racist making excuses) some of my best friends live there!! But seriously, any neighborhood known for breaking into damn near hysterics over not being able to bring a baby to a bar *this is a thing that happened* is not without stress. I bet, if you started a discussion with any number of people at their gigantic food coop, they’d tell you how their children only drink organic, non-gmo milk that they themselves hand wrung from only the most precious of hemp nipples from Narnia.

and I am NOT A HEMP!! THAT’S NOT MY NIPPLE!! oh wait…I think…YES WRING ME! YES!

 

Moving on! ooooooosaahhhhhh. Ok! First, gifts, then LIFE CHANGING COOKIES!

foodie gift guide

 

First! Gifts for people who like to make the food they stuff in their face holes. Click on pic for link to buy. I get zilcho money for this, so feel free to buy wherever you so choose. SUPPORT LOCAL!

THIS

I’m all mixed up about you.

This mixer is a BEAST for the home. Unlike other mixers (which shall remain nameless) this one doesn’t choke at a loaf of challah with 8 cups of flour. It whips eggs like the scads of women who read 50 Shades whip their husbands. Whip-chhhhh (sound effects!) Mr Gray (mixer) will see you now.

Is it getting hot in here? Or is it just me?

THERMOMETER GUN. These things are just cool…(bad pun alert!) I am tempted to take mine around rehearsal and check for fever before I have to kiss anyone. Or maybe their temperature is elevated because I make them SO HOT. yeah, doubtful. YOU HAVE THE FLU, AND YOU HAVE THE FLU!!

Can I see your lil’ smokie?

I love love love bacon. You love love love bacon. We all love bacon. Let’s make it ourselves. Add in some lox, a little schmear, and you have the least kosher bagel toppings ever. Tastes like sin….mmmm.

 

You can’t construct a rebellion without cookies.

NEXT! Winos. If they hate what you buy them, at least they’re too drunk to care.

Betty White is a superhero.
red wine and humans have one thing in common: the need to breathe.

A decanter for red wine. It really does enhance the flavor of the wine to let it breathe. Try it.

unbreakable…like my black soul.

Seriously, you need shatterproof wine glasses in your life for your longer evenings.

This one. THIS RED.

This wine. This exact one. Buy it. Put it in that there decanter. Then in your unbreakable glass, because you’ll (I mean they’ll) finish the bottle in one sitting. I will forever love Caitlin for introducing me to wine at my front door. One bottle of this and a night with the man, and a Wes Anderson movie, and I forget I live in one of the top two-thousand most-stressed zip codes.

I hear wine helps.

NEXT UP! Gifts for people who just like to stuff their face holes.

this is so true.

First?

I LOVE AND ADORE these brownies. They just happen to be available by mail. Because encouraging others to eat their feelings is healthy. When I was pregnant with the Captain, I had TWO PER WEEK. The shop girl also did NOT give me dirty looks when I didn’t ask for decaf. (ONE CUP A DAY IS FOINE!) Wonder if she gave me unleaded, anyway?

Because, when you eat your feelings, maybe you should be healthy.

This is, no lie, the best granola you’ll ever buy. It’s fecking amazing. The Peanut ate an entire bag IN ONE DAY. My Peanut, who IS THE PICKIEST EATER KNOWN TO HUMANKIND. Yeah. She poured it on yogurt, with coconut milk, homegirl crunched it onto her “bwead butta samich,” everything. SO GOOD.

 

pouring over the details….of how I wake up.

Ok, honestly, I know I’ve talked about my favorite thing ever, shirtless coffeepreviously on my blog. So you know, the man and I use a French Press. HOWEVER, recently, I discovered Chemex coffee, and I am trying to get the man to convert to this on weekends, holidays, and birthdays. (we allll know how accommodating women are to their husbands on these days!! wink wink) Tis only fair!

And now for the delicious and amazing and life changing cookies! I MADE OATMEAL SCOTCHIES THAT DON’T GO FLAT AND RETAIN A SOFT CENTER. Much like myself.

Oh, who am I kidding, my innards are like granite.

Soft Oatmeal Scotchies.

soft oatmeal scotchies
soft oatmeal scotchiessoft oatmeal scotchiessoft oatmeal scotchies

 

Soft Oatmeal Scotchies

by Cat Bowen

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 9-10 minutes

Keywords: bake appetizer breakfast dessert snack cookie

Ingredients (3 dozen cookies)

  • 1 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup white sugar
  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 cup old-fashioned oats
  • 1 1/3 cup flour
  • 1 box (not family sized) vanilla or butterscotch cook and serve pudding mix
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1, 12 oz bag of butterscotch chips

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350F

cream butter and sugar

add vanilla and eggs

sift together dry ingredients and toss the butterscotch chips in the mix

stir in a bit of the dry mix into the wet a spoonful or two at a time.

drop into 1- 1 1/2 tbsp mounds onto a lined cookie sheet 1″ apart

bake for 8-10 minutes, the bottoms will be just turning brown.

let cool on sheet for 3 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.

store in airtight container.

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